Check Engine Light, a true story

I’m in the Valley County Jail
In Cascade, Idaho
And as they say
“Go to McCall on vacation
And leave on probation.” It didn’t matter that it was
A first offense, I never thought I’d be here.
I still can’t believe it
I’m now wearing a cliche
Fluorescent orange sweatshirt.
I try to close my eyes and lie
On the thick, cold ,cement slab
With a military issued itchy green
Wool blanket, But the entire night in jail, I repeat and refrain
“One year from now
One year from now, it has to be better than this.” Driving Under the Influence of
Prescription a medication.
3 hours after investigation by officer Bates
And the DRE Drug Recognition Expert
Signed, sealed,delivered
I’m theirs now. With some alertness,
I do recall Officer Bates say to me,
“Remember Carolyn, You’re not a bad person. You made a bad choice.”
I just took One extra Clonopin
To go buy 1 am red dye#5 raspberry Zingers,
And a Big Red pop
But the Dateline NBC Red flashing lights
Showed up in my rear view.

Oh— and I had 2 beers but blew a 0.0

Oh— and I was extremely delusional and paranoid that night trying to seize the constant schizoaffective albatross
Choking the life out of me.

Oh— but I still hugged the damn wheel

No hindsight
I could have killed or maimed someone or many
The bottom line.
The CD of the audio and video are
Mailed to my apartment and
The rigors of honesty grabbed me
And knocked me
To the ground
To plead guilty That evidence CD courtesy of the prosecutor
Weighed 1,000 pounds in a letter
I almost can’t open. It shows— I tried
To Walk the Line
And even Mr. Cash’s ghost
In a Mexican or Folsom jail
Couldn’t help me- no way Jose. Lawyers, the prosecutor,The Judge,
Your Honor, court dates, travel, huge bills,
Fines, lost work needing financial help,
Possible work termination, cannot drive, Grief for my family, put upon friends, drug and alcohol classes, probation,
The Depression,
A visit from my old frenemy
Mr. Time To Kill Yourself POS “friend”
Who stayed too long like a bad fish So I left him.
Went to St. Al ‘s Psych Hospital
Checked to see if my name was still on the bathroom wall there,
And detoxed from
benzodiazepines No benzos but bingo
In the lounge
After showers, meds and room checks.
All of this Because that Check Engine Light
Was ON.
But I ignored it. So, now,
I check my engine light
Before I put it in gear
Before that awful click noise
And the stone silent nothing
And I can’t turn back. Things are better now but
My brain tattooed to these images
Will never forget

And god help me please

Never again.

Copyright © 2019 by Carolyn M. Bevington. All Rights Reserved.

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